The ultimate guide to finding your identity!

Do you know who you are? 

Do you tend to take responsibility for other people's feelings? 

Do you tend to carry the weight of other people's problems on your shoulders?

Creating our identity and sense of self is the foundation of our mental, emotional and spiritual development.

All children need to go through important developmental stages, during which their clinginess and need for parents progressively diminishes. Letting go of their parents is essential to becoming healthy and mature adults in the future. 

Unfortunately, it is also often the case that parents do not let the child go through the letting go phase, not letting them develop their own personal identity and a clear picture of the self. Instead, the child is "stuck" with his parents, unable to distinguish between their thoughts, desires and feelings.  

If you have trouble building and maintaining relationships, you are probably one of those who grew up in a "clingy" family, with no dividing lines and different personalities.  

Psychologist Dr Tim Clinton wrote: 

"The legacy of 'clingy' relationships is one of heartache and manipulation, but if we are willing to open our eyes, this legacy can be changed... It is possible to break the pattern of 'clinging' and break free from it to a place where we are able to offer and receive real love."

There is always hope for change. 

Keep reading for answers and clarity.

Psychologist Dr Tim Clinton wrote: 

"The legacy of 'clingy' boundaries and personality relationships is one of heartache and manipulation, but if we are willing to open our eyes, it can be changed... It is possible to break the pattern of 'clinging' and break free - to a place where we are able to offer and receive real love."

What are the "stapled" boundaries and personalities?

It is a psychological term that refers to blurred, weak or incomplete boundaries between people and is commonly experienced in families and romantic relationships. For example, a person who experiences 'clinging' to their mother or father is unable to distinguish their own emotions and thoughts from those of their parents, has a lack of self-esteem and an unformed personal identity. "Clinging" is a major obstacle to normal functioning within the family and has a detrimental effect in adulthood.

What happens when we are separated from our parents and lack an identity? We fail to build relationships. 

May occur:

*Unilateral relations

*Social anxiety

*Toxic/violent relationships

*Depression

*Feeling of anger

*Building lasting friendships

*Emphatic glut

*Their own worthlessness

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Clinging" usually starts in early childhood. 

Think for a moment, do any of the following sentences resonate with you? 

1. If you tried to be personable, tried to do things your own way or made different choices, you were seen as a traitor to the family.

2. All family members were devoted to each other's lives and privacy was almost non-existent.

3. If you said "NO" to someone in your family, you felt bad afterwards and were shunned.

4. Your mother and/or father was very strict and controlling.

5. You felt pressured to be who your parents wanted you to be - you weren't allowed to be yourself. 

6. When making decisions, the family was a single unit, not different people with different opinions.

7. If one family member was angry or depressed, so were all the others.

8. You felt you had to parent and care for your mother/father.

9. Your achievements and failures affected your value in the eyes of your family.

10. The foundations of the family were power and obedience instead of respect and equality. 

Take a deep breath and think carefully about the points above.

How do you feel? Did any of these points resonate with you? Does this list describe your family's everyday life as a child? If so, you probably experienced "clinging together".

But why do parents create a "stuck together" growing environment for their children?

Keep reading for answers and clarity.

"Your children are not YOUR children. They are the sons and daughters of Life itself. They are born through Thee, but not of Thee, and although they are with Thee, they do not belong to Thee." - Kahlil Gibran

Why do parents create a "stuck together" growing environment for their children?

The causes are mainly unconscious and unintentional. Parents don't deliberately keep their children emotionally and mentally isolated ... it just happens. 

But why? And how?

The first reason may be that the child has had a dangerous trauma, illness or incidents at school that have made parents very protective of their offspring, and as the child grows older, parents find it difficult to let go of their protective role for fear that their child will become vulnerable again, hindering their child's further development.

Another reason is more common - parents learned it from their parents. If the grandparents were overly involved in the child's mother/father's life, it is very likely that this pattern has been passed down from generation to generation. This behaviour is caused by a viral fear.

But what are they afraid of? Why are they afraid?

There are many reasons why parents might be afraid of (and prevent) their child from growing up. 

Fear that the child will grow up and move out, abandoning their parents - fear of being left alone.

Fear of not being included in the child's life in the future, and thus feeling that they are no longer needed, stems from low self-esteem.

Fear of being independent and autonomous in the world - parents want their children to take care of them (even if they don't really need help)

Fear that their role as carer/parent will be destroyed - fear of identity destruction, emptiness and feeling of uselessness.

Fear of having their purpose/life purpose taken away - fear of being purposeless.

... And there are many more fears and complexes. 

If you also grew up in a "stuck together" family, you might want to pause and ask yourself: "What fear could have caused my mother and/or father to behave this way?" Take a moment to reflect.

How does growing up in a "stuck together" environment affect us in adulthood?

Keep reading for answers and clarity.

How does growing up in a "stuck together" environment affect us in adulthood?

'Clinging' is a pattern that is deeply embedded in us. For some adults, it can take years and even decades before they realise what is happening to their relationships. A child learns to see himself as a community, a "me" as "we", and this has a very far-reaching impact on later life.

14 ways in which "clinging together" can affect people in adulthood:

1. He feels he has to save and help everyone around him.

2. He or she feels in need of rescue.

3. He feels responsible for the feelings, habits and choices of others.

4. He doesn't distinguish his emotions from those around him.

5. He finds it difficult to take himself and/or others into his personal space.

6. He feels that his partner makes him whole and that without his partner he is an empty space.

7. He often finds himself at the centre of other people's dramas.

8. He feels betrayed when someone close to him wants to do something without his involvement. 

9. He or she assesses his or her own worth by how useful he or she can be to others.

10. It does not distinguish between caring and clinging.

11. He doesn't know who he really is - his sense of self is very weak or non-existent.

12. He finds it very difficult (or impossible) to be "himself" in the presence of others.

13. Has no hobbies or interests outside of family/friendships/partnerships.

14. He tends to blame others for his emotions. 

Do any of these features resonate with you? How do you feel when you read them? Take a deep breath in and out and look inside yourself. Do any strong emotions rise to the surface? If so, which one? If any (or even all) of these traits stir you up inside, you probably grew up in a "clingy" family.

How can we emerge victorious?

Keep reading for answers and clarity.

How to break free from the pattern of "clinging" and gain power over your own feelings and thoughts?

1. Find your interests and hobbies.

Finding your interests and passions is very interesting. You might be a bit confused at first, but keep looking. Searching for/finding your interests gives you more personal freedom. More personal freedom = stronger sense of self = more personal power. You can also look for different hobbies on the internet. See if any of them appeal to you or if you would like to do any of them if you were someone else. 

2. Set limits and know how to say "NO"

Creating boundaries is the first step towards breaking the pattern of "sticking together". You need to analyse how you feel around others and what is OK for you and what is not. Drawing boundaries may feel strange and uncomfortable at first, but don't worry, everyone feels uncomfortable when learning a new skill, and that's what setting boundaries is: learning a new skill. 

3. Learn to enjoy your own company.

If you've grown up in a "clingy" environment, it can be hard to enjoy being alone. You may feel lonely, you may experience boredom or even depression because you don't know how to enjoy being with yourself. To strengthen your self-esteem, try spending some time alone each week. Make your alone time enjoyable by doing activities you enjoy. For example, gardening, painting, cooking, writing, reading or any other activity that calms you down. You can also combine alone time with taking care of yourself, for example by taking a bath, listening to music, doing yoga or just enjoying nature. It's also a good idea to keep a diary of your "me time", where you record your thoughts and feelings - it's a good way to separate yourself from others. You don't have to be a writer to keep a diary, you don't have to write long or grammatically correct chapters - just a few words or sentences are enough.

4. Read lots of books and take personality tests.

Self-discovery and self-awareness are essential to break free from "clinging". Read self-help books, take different personality tests - find out who you are, what you like and don't like. 

5. Love yourself.

Learn to love and respect yourself exactly as you are, be kind to yourself. Take care of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. 

6. Achieve personal freedom.

My aim is to inspire you and help you achieve personal freedom - the ability to take control of your own life and to understand your needs, desires and dreams.